I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
