3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
