I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize