hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize