His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
