Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
