have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
