at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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