I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
