I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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