She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
