Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
