you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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