I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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