fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
