You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
