Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
