tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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