I wannas sexs uuuuu
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
