Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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