please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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