I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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