i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
