Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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