batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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