fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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