walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
