cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
home. puking in laundry basket.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
