Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize