Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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