Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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