i just had sex bonerless
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Couch. On fire.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
