Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
