I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You ruined the universe
Randomize
