I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
