she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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