You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
These tits shall not be calmed
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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