Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
