So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
