You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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