I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
