you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize