so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
