Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
