oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
