I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize