The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
