Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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