so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
