I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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