i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
