Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
