I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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