my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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