Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
