No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
