my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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