I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
