I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
