Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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