i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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