My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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