I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
