I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
