dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
