I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
