I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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