Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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