I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
