there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
