i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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