i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
